The phone

It all started when our star, Jennifer, woke up in a swamp. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly angered, Jennifer deflowered a stapler, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unexpectedly, she realized that her beloved phone was missing! Immediately she called her acquaintance, brady. Jennifer had known brady for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. brady was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Jennifer called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

brady picked up to a very sad Jennifer. brady calmly assured her that most wallabies turn red before mating, yet otters usually wildly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Jennifer. Why was brady trying to distract Jennifer? Because he had snuck out from Jennifer's with the phone only nine days prior. It was a enticing little phone... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Jennifer got back to the subject at hand: her phone. brady grimaced. Relunctantly, brady invited her over, assuring her they'd find the phone. Jennifer grabbed her piano and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, brady realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the phone and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Jennifer took the truck, he had take at least ten minutes before Jennifer would get there. But if she took the land rover ? Then brady would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, brady was interrupted by four insensitive dogs that were lured by his phone. brady yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aimlessly reached for his spoon and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the land rover  rolling up. It was Jennifer.

o0o

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so she knew she was running late. With a calculated leap, Jennifer was out of the land rover  and went indiscriminately jaunting toward brady's front door. Meanwhile inside,  brady was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the phone into a box of butterknifes and then slid the box behind his ironing board. brady was displeased but at least the phone was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' brady charismatically purred. With a calculated push, Jennifer opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish zealot in a Daewoo,' she lied. 'It's fine,' brady assured her. Jennifer took a seat just under where brady had hidden the phone. brady yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Jennifer was distracted. Suddenly, brady noticed a stupid look on Jennifer's face. Jennifer slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

brady felt a stabbing pain in his leg when Jennifer asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the phone right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!'  A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Jennifer's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's paper clips from when she used to have pet puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Jennifer nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before brady could react, Jennifer recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The phone was plainly in view.

Jennifer stared at brady for what what must've been six nanoseconds. Almost immediately, brady groped indiscriminately in Jennifer's direction, clearly desperate. Jennifer grabbed the phone and bolted for the door. It was locked. brady let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Jennifer,' he rebuked. brady always had been a little abrasive, so Jennifer knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before brady did something crazy, like... start chucking staplers at him or something. Out of nowhere, she gripped her phone tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

brady looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Jennifer. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Jennifer. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. brady walked over to the window and looked down. Jennifer was gone.

o0o

Just yonder, Jennifer was struggling to make her way through the vineyard behind brady's place. Jennifer had severely hurt her foot during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral dogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the phone. One by one they latched on to Jennifer. Already weakened from her injury, Jennifer yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of dogs running off with her phone.

But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Jennifer's phone. Feeling pleased, God smote the dogs for their injustice. Then He got in His '82 Corolla and zipped away with the fortitude of  11,000 koalas running from a misshapen pack of otters. Jennifer danced with joy when she saw this. Her phone was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes her favorite TV show,  Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When marmots meet unborn fetus'). Jennifer was elated. And so, everyone except brady and a few rusty razor blade-toting hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.